A Zoom musical.

Early days of the COVID-19 pandemic. Siblings ZACH and ZOEY (and all of America) are in lockdown. They’re chatting over Zoom when they find out that HUNTER, their oldest brother, has just posted his last will and testament online. ZACH and ZOEY try desperately to contact HUNTER, using all electronic means at their disposal: phone, Zoom, Google hangouts…

ZOEY

Zack! Take a breath, OK? I’m calling him now…

IT’S RINGING.

ZACK

Good.

STILL RINGING?

ZOEY

Yup.

ZACK

IT’S RINGING 

BUT HE ISN’T PICKING UP

I MEAN, WHY HAVE A PHONE

IF YOU’LL JUST LET IT RING?

CUZ HE KNOWS THAT IT’S ANNOYING

THINK PERHAPS THAT HE’S JUST TOYING

WITH MY FEELINGS?

ZOEY

OUR FEELINGS!

ZACK

HE WOULDN’T DARE!

WOULD HE DARE?

HE WOULD DARE

IS HE THERE?

GOD, I SWEAR

HE DOESN’T REALLY CARE

NOT ONE TINY BIT!

GOD, THAT SELF-INDULGENT,

SELF-ABSORBED,

SANCTIMONIOUS 

PIECE OF…

ZOEY

Text. 

ZACK

What?

ZOEY

Try texting him.

ZACK

Yeah?

ZOEY

Yup.

ZACK

(light bulb goes off)

Yeah! Let’s text-bomb that motherfucker!

(texting)

HEY ASSHOLE! 

WE’RE TRYING HARD TO REACH YOU

AND DID NO ONE EVER TEACH YOU

THAT IT’S RUDE NOT TO ANSWER

WHEN YOUR BROTHER TRIES TO CALL

ZOEY

AND YOUR SISTER TOO

WHO LOVES YOU

ZOEY/ZACK

SO HUNTER, PLEASE PICK UP!

Phone keeps ringing.

ZOEY

All right, I’ve sent him a link to the Zoom call and a text. I’ve also messaged him on Facebook, and he should have received an invite via his Google calendar. 

ZACK

STILL NOTHING?

ZOEY

Nope.

NOTHING.

ZACK

Shit. 

ZOEY

DO YOU THINK

HE ISN’T PICKING UP

BECAUSE HE CANNOT PICK IT UP

HE COULD BE GRAVELY ILL, Y’KNOW,

LYING ON THE COUCH,

DYING ON THE FLOOR,

CRYING OUT FOR HELP,

TRYING TO PICK UP HIS PHONE

HIS FEVER MAY BE SPIKING

AND HIS TONGUE 

MAY BE BLUE

HE JUST CAN’T ANSWER

CUZ HIS LUNG 

IS GOO

GOD! THAT POOR, PATHETIC, PITEOUS

ZACK

PORTLY, PRETTY PLAIN

ZOEY

PRECIOUS BROTHER OF OURS!

ZACK 

Yours. 

(texting) 

HEY JACKASS! 

I’VE NEVER ASKED FOR MUCH

DON’T EVEN NEED TO KEEP IN TOUCH

BUT POSTING YOUR WILL ONLINE

IS ABSOLUTELY ASININE 

ZOEY

PLEASE, DON’T TURN US AWAY

LET US KNOW YOU’RE OKAY

ZACK

AND YOU BETTER NOT BE DEAD

CUZ I’M NOT GONNA PICK UP

ALL THE PIECES WHEN YOU DIE

YOU CAN KEEP THAT STICK UP

YOUR ASS, BUT WHY

WON’T YOU ANSWER YOUR PHONE?

ZACK/ZOEY

PICK UP!

HUNTER

Hello?

Music and lyrics by Marc Chan. Book by Marcus Scott. A Zoom musical.